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There was a time when this little girl was a messy tangled ball of yarn. Bound dangerously tight in a tangled mess: by fear, and anger, loneliness, and confusion, distrust, and feelings of betrayal. I’d find myself unraveling tiny millimeter by even tinier millimeter, and it would take just the slightest hint of vulnerability or fear to scare me right back up into the tangles. Yet, a heart which longs for a life of beauty and freedom, can not and will not stay smothered in a tangled ball. (even if it really, really wants to.)

I am still that girl: afraid, and suspicious. Yet, less confused (maybe?) and definitely a bit less tangled. 

I am making conscious decisions to love more and to love more freely. Um, hello?! !@%$ why is that like, THE hardest thing EVER?! Some parts of me are so tightly bound up and encased by fear, that it is really, REALLY difficult to break those parts open. I am trying to recognize and seize the moments when God gives me opportunities to choose to burst open, rather than close up even tighter. When I do choose to love freely, it usually comes straight back to me in even larger measure. Which, frankly, FREAKS ME OUT!!!

but it is good.

and i am good.

and I am growing.

which is good.

really good.

but scary.

and scary,

isn’t bad.

i don’t know why,

i didn’t know that.

but now i do,

and that is scary too.

i’m afraid,

that loving someone

might mean that they won’t always be there.

actually,

i don’t think i knew i felt that way

until just now.

thanks love,

for loving me back.

i’ll try not to be afraid

of you.